I’m used to being on the periphery of the ‘organization’ part of organized religion. One would think that would be a creative place to be. I can see the needs that organization leaders must deal with, and I can feel the alienation and disengagement in those who aren’t let ‘in’ on it.
But what I feel most is a sense of impotence. I speak up, I take part, I relate, whether in ‘hierarchical’ ways or in ’emergent’ ways. But each new venture ends up peetering out, either in frustrating failure or acceptance of small, almost trivial gains. Maybe it’s middle-age getting to me. Or just the endless repeating of the pattern. I still want to make a difference. I still want to be a vessel for God’s work in moving the Church Universal ahead. But instead, I’m a part of spiritual regression. I try to do it a little differently each time (and occasionally a lot differently), knowing how insane it is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. But I still make nibbles when full bites are needed. I keep myself spiritually open, looking for God’s open doors, trying some doorknobs, peeping through peepholes. But nothing much happens. I have so much to offer, but instead everyone else wants me to do what I’m not at all good at, with predictable results. And when I try to start something myself, I end up out there alone. It’s not a good place to be. I don’t belong there.
I don’t really think anyone has an answer for that. But I share it anyway.